The Bundy 5: Vince McMahon’s Love Affairs

The level of commitment Vince McMahon has for his company has never been questioned. He’s gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to entertaining his fans. But he’s also rewarded himself with some onscreen romances and trysts with some of the most beautiful women to have ever worked for the WWE. All in the name of doing what’s best for business.

Everything about Vince McMahon is over the top; his commentating, his acting, his wrestling, etc. So it should come as no surprise when McMahon produced all these smutty scenarios in which he’s forcing himself onto his female employees, that these backstage bits would be the most over-the-top gratuitous things ever. And the grossest. Not surprisingly, none of these affairs made it onto the WWE Network’s stupid Crazy, Stupid, Love show.

I’m basically ranking these by how hard it was to watch Vince McMahon get to first base with gorgeous women who are 30 years younger than him. So while you’re trying to secure plans on Tag Me A Date this Valentine’s Day, remember the man who made your relationship and love of wrestling possible.

5. Torrie Wilson
When Vince tried to get his hands on Torrie, his weakness at being monogamous was well documented. And around this time he was also on his biggest ego trip having just purchased WCW. Torrie Wilson wanted to remain employed, but didn’t want to fully commit to having to get felt up or kissed by Vince. Once was enough for her. It was a brief kiss in which McMahon swabbed her face with his lips. It wasn’t too bad when compared with the rest on this list. The best part was Torrie actually duping McMahon into getting caught by his wife, Linda. This kiss made those most sense out of all of them. The only bad part was having to hear McMahon do some dirty Q&A with Torrie, assuring her he was ready and that he had a big surprise for her.

4. Stacy Keibler
After Stacy Keibler danced on a desk for Vince McMahon, which no doubt was her audition tape for Dancing with the Stars (if such a prerequisite exists), and gave us this glorious gif, she became his assistant. What ensued was a classic “will they/won’t they/could they please not” sexual tension that seemed to be cut off repeatedly by Chris Jericho or some other wrestler. Creepy hot and heavy scenes also followed, like when McMahon was tracing Stacy’s navel with his finger. You weren’t sure if he wanted to kiss it or fuck it. In that same segment, when Jericho finally left, McMahon unhinged his jaw like an anaconda and seemingly swallowed her whole as they cut to something else.

In another segment, not even a knock on the door could save Stacy Keibler as McMahon commanded her not to get it and instead “get this.” Get it? He then planted one on her as she half-assed it, totally disgusted with herself. I’m pretty sure the existence of this video was the ultimate deal breaker for George Clooney.

3. Sable
Far removed from being the WWE’s sex symbol that she once was during the Attitude Era, Sable was now relegated to filling in for that particular month’s Vince McMahon mistress. But there was no sneaking around Linda’s back. In fact, Sable called out Linda McMahon as she felt herself up, for not being able to satisfy a “genuine, American icon.” She also made sure to mention Linda’s name, like 50 times, throughout the promo. She then wrapped it up by making out with Vince McMahon. She does a good job committing to the act considering it’s not a quick peck on the cheek. Vince McMahon ups the ante by keeping his eyes open for half of it, making it even creepier than it needs to be. Then he doubles down by checking his pants afterward to see if he’s sporting wood.

2. Trish Stratus
I’m not saying Trish Stratus slept her way to being in the WWE’s Hall of Fame, but clearly her inclusion had more to do with how far she was willing to degrade herself on camera when side by side with Vince McMahon, than it did with having passable matches with Lita and Mickie James. Either way, she deserved it. She was the definition of a model employee. Before he made her crawl on her hands and feet, while barking, McMahon paraded Trish around as his mistress. And by parade, I mean he made out with her on the SmackDown stage in front of a wheelchair-bound catatonic Linda. Like most things involving McMahon, I’m not sure what the whole point of this segment was other than to stroke McMahon’s ego.

First, he took off Trish’s coat, then enveloped her with his lips. It didn’t last too long, thankfully. But it was what I imagine is Vince McMahon’s idea of passion. Which was cringe inducing at best. He was full-on lustfully sucking on her face. Perhaps tying to get at her soul. And Trish was overly committed as well because even her tongue darted out to meet McMahon’s at one point, making it all the more puzzling. Oh, and gross.

1. Candice Michelle
She was Vince McMahon’s sex slave. Nuff said. During this particular infamous scene, Candice sat on Mr. McMahon’s lap while he traced his finger along the top of her shirt. Which ended right at the halfway mark of Candice’s boobs. He seductively did this while he asked about her chest cold to which Candice said had healed thanks to McMahon’s touch. What proceeded was more horrible, sexual double entendres. Actually, calling them double entendres gives them too much credit. There’s no double meaning in labiagitis. Yes, Candice told McMahon that she was suffering from labia-fucking-gitis.

All that sexual talk, no doubt written by McMahon himself, was enough to get him going. He quickly burrowed his face into her neck while palming her ass until Triple H interrupted. But no worries, a few minutes later they actually cut away from a match to show us the thrilling conclusion to McMahon and Candice’s softcore porn scene. You would think they’d be naked at that point, bumping uglies on the couch, but instead they were back at square one. Only this time, McMahon was able to slide the straps of Candice’s top down her shoulders before making that lustful face that also doubles for his pissed off look. And instead of murdering her like you think he’s going to do, he just made out with her some more while groping every inch of her body.