Ren & Stimpy

“Mad Dog Höek”
Season 2 Episode 5
11/21/1992

Like most of the episodes of Ren & Stimpy, there’s no context given or any kind of a backstory that sets up Ren and Stimpy finding themselves inside a wrestling ring opposite two large, roid-raging freaks. So let’s get right into it.

First off, Ren and Stimpy’s wrestling names are great and easily puts to shame most of the horrible NXT names that the WWE gives that roster. Both are sporting masks and going by Mad Dog Höek (Ren) and Killer Kadoogan (Stimpy). Their opponents are your usual cartoonish interpretations of pro wrestlers; huge, muscular, bald, and mean as shit. In this case we have brothers, Lump and Loaf.

Stimpy is worred that the guys really want to hurt them, but Ren reasons that it’s all pretend and that they can’t lose because they’re the good guys. You might argue that that’s generally not the case if the wrestlers are building to a big pay-per-view match, but if you’ve been following John Cena’s career, you’ll agree that Ren is dead on. Ren confidently goes to work on Lump by putting him in his version of a sleeper hold, which consists of Ren biting down on Lump’s neck fat. It starts to take effect, but before knocking out, Lump digs into his pants and pulls out Mr. Socko  a coffee mug. Which contains some kind of crack/caffeine blend as he goes into full tweaker mode after one sip and mounts an attack on Ren.

Lump decides to titty-fuck himself with Ren’s body. But then squeezes his pecs so hard it  catapults Ren right into the turnbuckle. Were you expecting a more realistic approach to wrestling? It all looks like fun and games to Stimpy and he makes the hot tag to Ren, just in time to play with Loaf. Loaf quickly rolls him into a ball and pops the brain-damaged cat into his mouth so he can chew him up like bubblegum. He even blows a bubble out of a masticated Stimpy until he pops. He then spits him out. And you know as well as I do, when an ass kicker who came to chew bubblegum and kick ass is all out of bubblegum, well then, there’s only so much left he has to do. All the while, Stimpy’s having the time of his life “pretending” to wrestle. Ren, still hurting from his beat down, no longer wants any part of the match. And Stimpy continues selling moves, like the dreaded tongue lock, and not to mention the flying butt pliers, which even for slapstick cartoon standards is beyond ridiculous.

While in some leg lock, Stimpy finally tags in Ren with some help from Lump. Ren tries to dodge the oncoming onslaught, but can’t get his tail loose from underneath Lump’s boot. Luckily, Ren peels open the boot and finds Lump’s weak spot, a giant red blister. Ren eagerly bites it, emitting a vomit-colored squirt of puss. Ah, it wouldn’t be Ren & Stimpy without the HD-quality close-ups of some of the more disgusting things one can find on the human body. Ren momentarily espcaes, until Lump and Loaf regroup and team up on him. Then they beat the ever-loving crap out of both Ren and Stimpy until Loaf alerts Lump that it’s time to throw the fight. A knowing wink later, and Ren and Stimpy are both on top of Lump and Loaf. Declared victors.

In old school wrestling fashion, the announcer catches up with Lump and Loaf to get their thoughts on the match. Naturally, they cut a great wrestling promo. The only thing missing from this rage-fueled promo was a few “brothers” for added effect. The announcer then turns his attention to Ren and Stimpy, to which Stimpy declares, “I wanna holler the loud funny words!” And he does with great glee and nonsense, cutting, quite possibly, one of the nicest and most sincere promos ever done by a wrestler.