What the World is Watching

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

IMG_3121“Salem’s Daughter”
Season 4, Episode 17
3/3/2000

If you’re a regular live-tweeter during Raw or WWE “special events”, or if you’re someone who just happens to peruse the twitter timeline of WWE-themed hashtags, chances are you might’ve stumbled across tweets from Melissa Joan Hart, A.K.A. Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All A.K.A. Sabrina from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, in which she tweets about said WWE-themed hashtags.

And if you’re anything like me, you instantly started following her on Twitter because her love of wrestling instantly made you forget about her Who’s the Boss? reimagining Melissa & Joey. Turns out Melissa’s love of wrestling might date back to the Attitude Era when she wrestled Billy Gunn on an episode of Sabrina.

For those of you who actually had something going on Friday nights, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch was part of ABC’s family-friendly TGIF lineup. The show was about a teenage witch named Sabrina, who lives with her two spinster aunts who are also witches. There’s Zelda the seemingly anorexic one, and Hilda who was, by default, the chubby one. Their fourth roommate is a talking cat named Salem, who I’m assuming, in the canon of family-friendly witch programming, is the grown up version of the talking black cat from Hocus Pocus.

IMG_3091This episode came out roughly around the time when Billy Gunn was last relevant. And no, I’m not overlooking the fact that he was at this past year’s WrestleMania XXX, I wholeheartedly stand by that statement. And saying that Billy Gunn was relevant when this episode premiered is still a stretch seeing as he had just been kicked out of Degeneration-X.

IMG_3105Sabrina learns that Salem was a deadbeat dad before he was cursed to live the remainder of his life as a cat. Him turning into a cat was just a long con to avoid paying child support. Despite his absence, his daughter Anabelle, played by former Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson before she went bat-shit crazy, asks him to be a part of the wedding. He agrees, but talks Sabrina into performing his father of the bride duties because he’s a cat and still a deadbeat. The absence of her father also left Anabelle socially inept and without friends, so she asks Sabrina to be her maid of honor.

IMG_3110If you thought handling father of the bride and maid of honor duties for a regular wedding would be stressful, imagine handling all that for some weird Wiccan wedding. With ridiculously cheesy-ass traditions like blowing up a balloon and carrying a sapling down the aisle, wrestling the father of the groom makes just as much sense. Luckily, there’s already a smallish ring in place, with the All-American red, white, and blue ring rope motif.

IMG_3117The Pastor A.K.A. the dickhead ghost who screams at Patrick Swayze to get off his train, pulls double shift as the referee. Sabrina’s opponent, Xavier “The Avenger” Prescott, is none other than The One Billy Gunn. Sadly, he’s not wearing his  Mr. Ass tights with the lips covering his ass and groin. Billy Gunn wastes little time going to work on Sabrina. He slams her to the ground and goes for a very un-Billy Gunn-like fist drop off the second rope, like he’s Jerry Lawler. Sabrina teleports out of the way because, much like ECW, anything goes in wrestling matches taking place in out-of-this-world realms. Sabrina turns things around by eye-gouging Billy Gunn, then stepping on him like she’s Andre the Giant even though she’s one-sixteenth his size. She makes the rookie mistake of playing to the crowd and gets gorilla press slammed into the same crowd because of it.

IMG_3119Back inside, Gunn continues the assault on his undersized, underage opponent. Salem, coming to terms with the fact that Sabrina is more of a daughter to him than his actual daughter will ever be, finally mans up and helps out for once in his life. He gouges Billy Gunn’s eyes and surprisingly blood doesn’t squirt everywhere. Gunn does trip over Sabrina and gets rolled up for the pin. Bonus points to Sabrina for hooking the leg. No careless pins here. This was probably one of the better Billy Gunn singles matches I’ve ever seen. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s one of the matches Billy Gunn shows the NXT developmental guys during practice.

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