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Charmed

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“Wrestling with Demons”
Season 3, Episode 12
2/01/2001

Proving why The Undertaker has been so successful for all these years, comes another show dealing with the occult that somehow manages to work in pro wrestling as part of the plot. Side note: “Wrestling with Demons” should’ve been the title of the Jake “The Snake” Roberts documentary.

The elevator to hell, or Hellevator, drops off Tom, a lost soul of a demon, in a literal wrestling dungeon that makes Stu Hart’s dungeon look like your creepy uncle’s basement. That’s right, you have a creepy uncle. Inside the wrestling dungeon we find head coach, Mr. Kellman, played by Ron Pearlman, who delivers this great line, “Is that humanity I’m sensing from you? Now, how did that come back? That was supposed to be drummed out of you by now!” Clearly, this is the guy Bill DeMott drew his inspiration from when he was chosen to head WWE’s Performance Center.

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Kellman throws Tom into an impromptu gauntlet match with some other jaybrone, against Buff Bagwell. WCW had a bunch of guys they could’ve sent the WB’s way for this cameo that would’ve fit the tone of Charmed, like say, Mortis, Vampiro, or the actual Kiss Demon (but I guess there’d be some contractual complications there). But instead we get Buff Bagwell to start things off. And he’s not even in like scary demon make up, he’s just in his normal douchebag getup.

Bagwell pulls out the extent of his wrestling repertoire; a clothesline, bodyslam, and a double underhook DDT. He didn’t even bust out the Buff Blockbuster. Anyway, Bagwell, who, according to IMDB, is a demon named Slammer, pins the guy and stays on top of him long enough for the ring to open its portal (in JR’s voice) STRAIGHT TO HELL! Surprisingly, there’s no Undertaker or Kane eagerly waiting for this sacrificial lamb. The Charmed girls stumble in just as the guy falls to his death.

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Tom, who I should point out is an ex-boyfriend of Prue (played by Shannen Doherty), and the main reason why the Charmed girls show up, is next and Bagwell is all, “Come at me, bro.” Bagwell gives him a neckbreaker and is all, “that’s what a demon is, little man.” No Buff, this is what a wrestling demon is. Another double arm underhook DDT, which I’m guessing was Buff’s actual finisher at the time, or maybe the Buff Blockbuster took too long to set up, and Bagwell is seconds away from sending Tom to hell. The girls intervene on Tom’s behalf, and the less famous witch who’s not Alyssa Milano or Shannen Doherty, Piper, freezes Kellman’s henchmen and stops the match. The girls cut a deal, in which Kellmen will get the three of them plus Tom if they lose, but if they win they get Tom back. Talk about a lucha de apuestas. Too bad this isn’t a lucha libre trios match, though.

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Bagwell decides to sit this one out. But guess who takes his place? Booker T. and “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner, respectively named Thunder and Mega-Man. Mega-Man! Scott Steiner is fucking named Mega-Man! How awesome is that? Mega-Man immediately goes on a Scott Steiner rambling promo about being the bringer of pain and not knowing the meaning of mercy. But sadly, no “Sucka!” from Booker T. to punctuate it. Or cursing from Scott Steiner.

The match starts, and apparently Prue has just swallowed the red pill because she starts busting out Matrix-style slow-mo kicks. The sisters use their own tension to get upset at the wrestlers, but Booker T. and Scott Steiner quickly regain control. They perform a double suplex showing little tag team ring rust from their respective tag team days. The girls keep using martial arts moves to fight them off because they learned their wrestling moves from watching Jerry Flynn matches. During all this, Kellman kills Piper, throwing the other sisters off their game.

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Steiner gorilla press slams Prue, while Booker T. chokes out Phoebe (Alyssa Milano), pinning her to the floor just long enough for the hell portal to open. But Prue pulls out some more Matrix martial arts to kick Booker T. and Steiner’s ass. They both pin the WCW grapplers long enough for the hell portal to open, and both men awkwardly wait to get sucked down the portal, despite having like a two second opening to get up and keep fighting after the sisters have climbed off of them. Seriously, it’s not like they were unconscious. Either way, Booker T. and Scott Steiner sell the shit out of getting sucked into hell and disappear. Strangely enough, the hell portal led to WWE, seeing as that’s where these two ended up soon thereafter, being punished for having worked for WCW.

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Having won the match, everything Kellman did is undone and Piper is no longer dead. But then all three are killed and cursed to resurrect on Halloween when a virgin lights the Black Flame Candle. I think.

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2 thoughts on “Charmed”

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