Weird Science

“Men in Tights”
Season 4, Episode 2
1/13/1996
Weird Science was based on the 80’s movie… Weird Science. It stayed true to the film’s premise of two nerds, Wyatt and Gary, creating a computer simulation of the perfect woman, and then accidentally bringing her to life by way of a random lightning storm. The perfect woman is still named Lisa, still incredibly attractive, still super smart, still has magical powers, but has dropped the British accent. Wyatt’s brother, Chett, is also a major part of the show and still a jerk.

One of the executive producers of the show, and one of the writers of this particular episode, is none other than Ed Ferrara. The more successful half of the writing duo “behind” the WWF’s Attitude Era. I wonder if he submitted this episode’s script as his writing sample to get his gig with the WWF. He was also a writer on another beloved 80’s movie turned crappy TV series, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Doesn’t look like he wrote their wrestling episode though.

In this episode, like so many TV wrestling episodes, the main characters are taking in a wrestling show. Not just any wrestling show, but a WWF house show, despite looking like it’s an old AWF show, but with a bunch of no namers instead of ex-WWF wrestlers. Also, the ring doesn’t resemble anything close to any actual WWF ring, not even their rings from the 70’s. The only thing that gives it away that it’s a WWF show, is the huge WWF banner. Given that it’s 1996, this very well might’ve been one of their C-shows, that probably consisted of former Smoky Mountain wrestlers that the WWF had scooped up.

Our announcer for the evening is none other than Michael Buffer. Apparently this 1996 house show with a packed house of 25 fans was able to afford him. One of the no-name wrestlers on the card is the “Monsignor of Mayhem” Cardinal Carnage, who’s played by Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP). The guy passed away way too soon before he could realize many more roles as other fictional wrestlers on TV and film. Here he’s taking on Zebediah Schmitt, “The Amish Avenger,” and kayfabe relative of Amish Roadkill.

Cardinal Carnage gets Zebediah against the ropes and wails on him, until the ref pulls him away for not adhering to the five count. Nice little detail there. They then proceed to lock up in a test of strength. The game of Mercy doesn’t last long as Zebediah head-butts Carnage in the gut. But a quick Irish whip into the ropes followed by a clothesline puts Cardinal Carnage back in control.

Chet is pretty pumped up while taking in the action, more so than anyone else. Wyatt, trying to connect with his older brother, tries to show some gratitude by expressing how happy he is to have been invited and how much fun he’s having. Chet is like, “you call two guy beating the crap out of each other fun?” Chett, a prototype MMA bro, is clearly watching some kind of realistic UFC fight unfold in his head, other than the actual pro wrestling that’s taking place. He likens it to a noble combat between two warriors, as Zebediah takes a bite out of Carnage’s ass, Bushwhacker style.

Carnage and Zebediah lock into a test a strength again, and it plays out the same way, again! Or they just replayed the same footage from a different angle. Chett takes this time to call Carnage a wussy, and to continually chant it, like a school kid, or MMA bro. He even hurls his drink at the ring, a la WCW Monday Nitro, and nails Carnage in the back of the head. Even though we clearly see the cup clear the ring, from one end to the other. Yet, it still hits Carnage, who’s standing somewhere within those ropes.

Carnage calls him out and yells at him to shut up. Chett continues the banter, but Wyatt panics and tells him to be quiet. Chett explains that it’s all part of the live wrestling show experience. He has a point. Carnage then asks Chett, “Didn’t I see you at the Michael Bolton concert?” Which sets off Chett towards the ring. I don’t know what the big deal is. As it obviously implies that Cardinal Carnage was also at the same concert. But as far as 90’s PG insults go, I guess it’s the R-rated equivalent of saying you banged someone’s mom.

At around this time, Lisa pokes her head out from Gary’s shirt pocket, because I guess they’re keeping her a secret from Chet, still. Even though they’re ringside, she complains about her view, which makes sense since she’s about eight inches tall. Wyatt calls out to Lisa and pleads for her to do something. Before she does, she calls dibs on Chett’s seat and magically transforms to her regular size self, and transports herself next to Wyatt. Apparently, nobody in the audience notices a grown woman materializing out of thin air because they’re that focused on the match. Chett gets yanked into the ring, hard way. The crowd chants for blood, as Wyatt tries desperately to pull Chett out of the ring.

Gary reasons that Chett is going to get killed if Lisa doesn’t do something. So Lisa magically turns Chett and, by hand-holding association, Wyatt into wrestlers. And by that, I mean she gives them super human strength. Cardinal Carnage proceeds to choke Chett, but Chett reverses it and locks him in a head scissors. Chett then irish whips Carnage into the ropes, and Wyatt jumps inside the ring in time to give a rebounding Carnage a clothesline. Lisa explains to Gary that they each got half the spell, but as long as they’re together they can’t be beat.

Chett and Wyatt then pin Carnage, as Zebediah looks on dumbfounded. Probably because no one smartened him up as to what was going on. But he’s also broken the cardinal wrestler bro code of beating the crap out of fans who jump over the railing to attack another wrestler. Chett and Wyatt also have no idea what just happened, but celebrate nonetheless.

After an act break, we get an establishing exterior shot of the Madison Square Garden Center, the bingo hall sized sister arena to Madison Square Garden. Back in the locker room, Wyatt and Chett are walking back along with the other wrestlers, some of which are carrying Cardinal Carnage on a stretcher. I guess the entire locker room had emptied out after the match.

Just then, a sleazy promoter type introduces himself to the two brothers, as Pauly Spaccino, of the World Wrestling Federation. He’s a smaller, Italian version, of the Mr. McMahon character. Spaccino tries to convince the brothers to wrestle for him because they have the potential to be bigger than the “Disney flick with the farting warthog.” Well, he definitely has McMahon’s sense of humor. Wyatt isn’t interested, but Chett eventually sells him on it.

Next shot we get is of the guys cutting a promo as Uncle Slam (Chett) and Paul Severe (Wyatt) in all-American attire, collectively known as the Yankee Dudes. Lisa is looking on from the bleachers when King Kong Bundy approaches her. Finally, an actual WWF-contracted wrestler makes a cameo appearance. He’s also one of their lower mid-card guys at this point in his career. But Bundy is no stranger to the wrestling episode, having appeared on Married with Children as himself, about three months before this episode premiered. Dude was on a roll. He’s clearly smitten with Lisa and asks her out on a date.  She gives him a bullshit excuse and he asks for a raincheck before he clumsily retreats to the back.

We then see the Yankee Dudes in action, who are now sporting Aldo Montoya-brand jockstrap head gear to go along with their outfits. The Dudes make quick work of their opponents, which ends with Paul Severe delivering his patented finisher, The Patriot Missile. This consists of Wyatt backflipping from the top rope, in what you initially think might be a moonsault, only for him to land in a seated position as he delivers an elbow smash. It’s basically a complicated flying elbow smash.

As the guys change in the locker room, they share a very special brother bonding moment. Until they’re interrupted by Der Blitzkriegar, an Ivan Drago German bootleg. He’s pissed that Chett has gotten his cooties (see: ass sweat) on his locker after hanging his tights there. As they get into an intense promo-cutting stare down, Pauly Spaccino intervenes and introduces Blitzkriegar as the federation’s singles champ. Not the world heavyweight champion, but the singles champion. Chett simply foreshadows that maybe someday they’ll meet in the ring. No word if Blitzkriegar gets to select a mystery tag partner.

We get to see the Yankee Dudes easily defeat another team, as Bundy creepily eyes Lisa from afar. After one particular match, a group of women crowd around Wyatt and Chett as Gary is left behind, womanless. At a nearby bar, where apparently all the wrestlers go to after the matches, even in their ring gear, Bundy corners Lisa and asks her out again. She tries to give him the slip once more, but Bundy catches on and reasons that no beautiful woman, like herself, would want to get ice cream with him. Lisa’s eyes light up at the mention of ice cream, and after revealing that they share the same favorite flavor (chunky monkey), they set off on their date.

Gary eyes a blonde woman, who surprisingly calls him over. Turns out she’s Blitzkriegar’s girlfriend, and I guess they do this kind of thing to beat up on unsuspecting lonely men. Blitzkriegar throws Gary onto the bar, stuffs his mouth full of peanuts and forces Gary to chew on them, in order to show how peanut butter is made. It’s a really weird way to punk somebody for hitting on your girlfriend. Must be a German thing.

Chett comes to Gary’s aid and trades some nonsensical putdowns with Blitzkriegar. Cardinal Carnage interrupts them and tells them to take it to the ring. Blitzkriegar is totally on board with this “after hours” match, so long as there’s no ref, no rules, and no partners. As everyone walks back towards the “arena,” Gary finally mentions to Wyatt that the magic doesn’t work unless Chett and Wyatt are together. SWERVE.

After some stretching, Chett bounces off the ropes and slams into Blitzkriegar. Chett instantly goes down like you’d expect him to. He asks for a minute to warm up. Meanwhile, at the ice cream shop, King Kong Bundy looks on as Lisa finishes her sixth bowl of ice cream. He asks if they could go for walk afterward, but she’s too busy stuffing her face to even notice him there.

Blitzkriegar tries to smack talk Chett as he warms up in the corner, but as soon as Chett mentions the World Wars, Blitzkriegar attacks. Chett realizes his strength is gone and that he’s in trouble. Wyatt and Gary try to make the save, but Cardinal Carnage is guarding the entrance to the ring. Even though there’s a bunch of other wrestlers watching from the bleachers. While in mid-choke, Wyatt explains everything, EVERYTHING, to Carnage, including Lisa’s powers, and he’s like, yeah, I totally get it, and lets them through.

Wyatt jumps into the ring to activate their twin magic. But as soon as they take down Blitzkriegar with a double dropkick, the entire spell wears off completely. I guess there was also a time limit on the spell. Wyatt’s also the only one to physically feel the magic wear off. He suggests that they run. And they do. Only to run into a double clothesline from Blitzkriegar.

As Lisa devours a tub of ice cream, a disgusted King Kong Bundy calls Lisa out for eating like a pig. Because even 400 pound King Kong Bundy has standards. He leaves the shop, as Lisa orders another round because she’s too busy dealing with Wyatt and Gary’s constant crap that she never has any time for herself to do things she likes, like eat ice cream.

Back at the WWF Full Sail prototype arena, Blitzkriegar is about to finish off Wyatt with a 2×4. A 2×4 that was randomly tossed to him by someone off-screen. But before he can smash Wyatt’s face in, Chett gives Blitzkriegar a wedgie. Chett then uses the board to head-butt Blitzkriegar. After a failed clothesline attempt from Blitzkriegar, Wyatt and Chett use the board to knock him the hell out. The rest of the wrestlers jump into the ring and hoist Chett and Wyatt onto their shoulders in celebration. Seems like everyone legit hated Blitzkriegar.

As they continue celebrating, Blitzkriegar, having not learned his lesson, decides to try and attack Chett and Wyatt one last time. He comes after them, but they dodge him, and he continues running forward until he hits the ropes. But instead of bouncing off the ropes, Lisa’s magic electricity transforms the ropes into lightsabers and Blitzkriegar is chopped up into pieces as he falls out of the ring. And like lightsabers, the heat from the ropes apparently burns through the skin so there’s not an insane amount of blood squirting from Blitzkriegar’s severed limbs. The gang looks out from the ring and see a chopped up Blitzkriegar looking up at them declaring the bout a draw, and not screaming in pain, or asking how the hell this was even possible.