All-American Fictional Wrestlers

Previously, I covered the best All-American wrestling attire that’s ever been worn inside the squared circle. And it still stands as the definitive guide in patriotic wrestling gear. Now, in celebration of American’s independence, I’d like to bring to your attention the most All-American fictional wrestlers to come across pop culture.

10. Max Eagle (Savage Reign)
Props to the character designer at SNK who ran with the ball when some higher up said, “I’m thinking Guile from Street Fighter, but more American.” And if you thought fighting characters couldn’t get more American than some Top Gun extra with a blonde flat top, well then I guess you never played Savage Reign. Who knew all it took was some hair tweaking, red and white stripes, and a couple of stars.

9. U.S. Steel (The Venture Bros.)
The Venture Bros. is a great show, so imagine how glad I was to see the introduction of U.S. Steel, especially after they had introduced the Tijuana Lucha Libre Gang as nothing but jobber fodder for Brock Samson in an earlier episode. As Action 5 News sports reporter, Sam Turgen, by day and patriotic wrestler, U.S. Steel, by night, there was a lot there for the writing staff to mine and parody. But Venture Bros. hasn’t done much with Steel aside from making him a bit player within The Super Gang, hence his spot at number nine.

8. Muscle Power (World of Heroes)
If Hulk Hogan and Hacksaw Jim Duggan had a baby, Muscle Power would be their love child. It’s also a safe bet to think Power is who Vince McMahon envisioned when he put the stars and stripes gear on All-American Lex Luger. Point is, Hulk Hogan parodies don’t come much better than Muscle Power. And if you’re going to parody the one wrestler who embodies all things Americana, warts and all, there’s no better wrestler than The Hulkster.

7. Captain Insano (The Waterboy)
The trademark of a truly great American professional wrestler is mic skills, which the Captain definitely had. It also helps to work in the red, white, and blue color scheme and a “helluva lot of stars” into your attire. But what really helped Captain Insano cement his All-American status was being fucking enormous, as most of the world imagines American wrestlers to be.

6. Uncle Samson (Box of Moonlight)
Aside from incorporating ring gear from unused American flags, Samson even worked in an on-the-nose reference to Uncle Sam himself. Despite not being a hulking monster of a man like Captain Insano, he still played into the common wrestling trope of defending America’s honor against evil foreign menaces, which was basically the foundation of Hulk Hogan’s entire career in the WWE.

5. – 3. Birds of War (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
That’s right. All three members of Birds of War take up three spots. And not just because I couldn’t come up with two other candidates for the list. There was just too much patriotism to contain the three of them in one spot. They have American bald eagle-inspired costumes, army fatigues, pomp and circumstance, they fight for the troops and our freedom by taking on the Talibum. These three men should be held in such high regard as the Founding Fathers of the United States.

2. Captain Flag & Half Mast (The Simpsons)
Aging wrestling vets that don’t know when to hang up the boots and little people wrestlers. Add in the go-to All-American attire and you have one of the best examples of American pro wrestling personified. Plus, they’re characters on The Simpsons, the longest running TV show in America, and the king of American cultural satire (well, at one point).

1. Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Idiocracy)
We never see this guy wrestle. His grappling past is just referred to in passing, as is his stint in porno acting. But he’s the President of the United States in a distant future that’s actually frighteningly closer than we can imagine. With Jesse Ventura having already been governor, and Donald Trump proving that anybody who can cut a wrestling-style promo can get far in a presidential race, it’s not far-fetched to think one day we can have a former pro wrestler in The White House. From gun-toting, swearing, brand awareness, porn, and pro wrestling, Camacho being President of the United States is like, the fifth most American thing about him. More than anyone on this list, he exemplified all the things that make America, America. For better or worse.