In this wrestling episode, Jane the Virgin tries to show us a glimpse of what it would have probably been like if Kharma had decided to continue wrestling while being pregnant. Spoiler alert: the baby bump would’ve been used as a foreign object.
Jane the Virgin is a comedy drama, or whatever you call hour-long shows that are along the same vein as Orange is the New Black. It does a pretty good job of parodying a lot of the tropes associated with telenovelas, including the convoluted plots. Luckily, there’s a Latin Lover Narrator (as described in closed captioning) who catches you up on everything you missed, but since none of that stuff relates to the actual wrestling, I’ll just skip ahead.
There’s a dude named Rafael, who used to go with Jane, the titular virgin who was artificially inseminated and now pregnant with his child. Rafael’s sister, Luisa is back in town and has the majority ownership of this hotel where everybody works at called The Marbella (beautiful ocean). Luisa has been out of the picture for a while, but shows up with her new girlfriend, Juicy Jordan, who just happens to be a pro wrestler. They both decide that a great short-term cash draw for the hotel would be to host a wrestling event headlined by Juicy herself, against her nemesis, Candy Crunch. According to Luisa, people go nuts for a Juicy Jordan/Candy Crunch match-up, like it’s Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn. Rafael and Petra, this Russian woman who’s in competition with Rafael to sway Luisa’s decision into what long-term business decision makes the most sense for the hotel, agree to host the Melee at the Marbella. I hope you read all that in a breathy Latin accent.
Anyway, the day of the match, Jane is still hell-bent on proving that Magda (Petra’s mother, who works at the hotel as a maid) did indeed push Jane’s grandma, Alba, down a flight of stairs a few episodes back. But Jane takes a break from sleuthing to take in the wrestling. The wrestling ring used for this episode is once again provided by the Santino Bros. wrestling school, who have become the go-to wrestling hookup for Hollywood when they need a wrestling ring. Props to them for making their ring look unique by using colored ropes that look like fluorescent police caution tape. You can also see their rings on Disney’s Jessie, Netflix’s Fuller House, and Comedy Central’s Workaholics. They really need to start using these opportunities to get Joey Kaos some screen time. Or, at least, one of their students.
The pride of Pensacola, Candy Crunch, comes out first followed by Juicy Jordan, who we find out hails from the heavenly hamlet of Santa Rosa. The match starts and the girls lock up, from then on we mostly get to see the action take place in the background, while in the forefront we get Jane and Petra going back and forth regarding whether or not their elderly matriarchal figures have beef or not. During this heated argument we get a quick cutaway to a pretty cool looking wrestling match-up screen. Actually, given the wrestling theme, this happens throughout the entire episode, and pops up whenever two characters are having heated confrontations or just mad-dogging each other. It’s actually my favorite part of this episode.
And of these fantasy match-ups, the one between Jane (Pregnant Punisher) vs. Petra (The Cold Warrior) actually plays out in a… fantasy sequence. Jane starts the match swinging at Petra, but Petra blocks the punch, in what we learn is actually the classic Eastern Block. Petra then follows that up with a Brainwasher, which is just a kick to the face. We also get commentary full of pregnancy puns, such as Petra “looking to deliver this match.” Jane ducks a clothesline off an Irish whip, then comes back with the Belly Bump, which is the one maneuver that actually is what it sounds like. Jane head-butts Petra with her unborn child. Surprisingly there’s no damage done to the baby, and sadly, no appearance by Gene Snitsky.
Back to real life, Rafael intervenes, and tells Jane to chill out. Back inside the ring, Juicy Jordan has Candy Crunch backed into the corner. But before we can get at least 15 seconds of action, Jane pulls a Parent Trap on her father and mother, who have their own thing going on, followed by another match-up graphic. She lets them try and work things out in order to go do some more snooping. Moments later, Jane returns back to the match just in time to see Juicy Jordan do a moonsault from the middle turnbuckle. And that ends the match. She doesn’t pin Candy Crunch or anything. She just moonsaults onto her and is declared the winner. The ref tries to raise her hand, but she’s too busy celebrating with Luisa. And that’s it.
The entire Melee at the Marbella was just one wrestling match that lasted less than five minutes. Sure, the show got to use the pro wrestling theme as an excuse to use some cool little match-up graphics. But we also got that little fantasy sequence of Jane wrestling Petra, and really, that’s what it’s all about when it comes to wrestling on a TV show. For the main character to get in the ring and either have their asses handed to them, or somehow pull off an upset and beat a wrestler. Jane beating Petra came close to that.
After the show, Luisa is pretty happy with the turn out, and talks about making the wrestling show a monthly event, and turning Miami into a wrestling destination. Apparently, she’s not aware of Florida already being a hotbed for professional wrestling, at least in much more viable wrestling cities, like Orlando. Rafael pumps the brakes and apparently is too much of a snob to get involved with the wrestling industry.
The show goes on for another 10 minutes afterward, but who cares? None of these plots are getting resolved any time soon.